Tales from a Real Life Mother of the Groom

Posted by Angela Knight on November 29th, 2010 at 11:39pm

When my son announced his engagement to his beautiful girlfriend of six years, I was ecstatic. I had always wanted a daughter and was happy to welcome her into our tight-knit family. Almost immediately after the engagement, I called my future daughter-in-law to discuss wedding details. As a consummate planner I was ready to delve head first into wedding planning. However, the wedding seemed to be the last thing on her mind. “I’m just enjoying my engagement for now. We have an entire year to plan,” she said. Not wanting to be the dreaded monster-in-law I backed off. I was unsure of my position as mother of the groom. I feared that without a daughter of my own I would miss out on the opportunity to plan an extravagant celebration.

As the wedding date approached it became clear that my son and his fiancée’s idea of a wedding was drastically different than mine. The pair wanted a small outdoor ceremony and low-key reception. I had envisioned a traditional church wedding, an elegant hotel reception complete with flowers, perfect lighting, gourmet food, and a slew of guests. Outdoors? 75 guests? No priest? I tried discussing my ideas with my son, but being a typical groom he deferred to his wife-to-be.

I set up meetings to view venues, scheduled tastings, and visited florists. My son’s fiancée was a good sport and let me drag her along with me on my whirlwind of wedding planning. At the third tasting, the venue’s wedding coordinator spilled hot soup on the future bride’s lap and then served her a dish that contained meat, though we had informed him that she was a vegetarian. After ingesting a mouthful of beef, my son’s fiance started to cry. She was too polite to tell me that I had overstepped my bounds. I was humiliated. It was then that I realized that as the mother of the groom my degree of involvement was the bride’s choice.

After the beef incident, I apologized profusely and had a talk with my daughter-in-law. I told her that I didn’t want to feel left out but that I realized the wedding planning was at her discretion. As long as she and my son were happy, who was I to judge? Once I accepted my place in the festivities, I felt more at ease. My son’s fiancée delegated tasks and put me in charge of several aspects of the wedding. I began to relish my role of mother of the groom. It involved less stress than being the mother of the bride and I was able to enjoy the journey. I also vowed to throw the rehearsal dinner to end all rehearsal dinners.

I learned that the mother of the groom must keep the bride and groom’s wishes in mind and relinquish control to the bride. Instead of trying to take charge, ask the bride what she needs help with. Wait to perform any wedding duties until you have her blessing. As certain traditions fall to the wayside, it’s appropriate to offer financial assistance and even make some suggestions here and there. While I still conferred with the bride and groom about the rehearsal dinner plans, the planning fell under my jurisdiction. I was able to infuse the event with the details and touches that were important to me.

When the number of guests was decided I drew up a guest list for our side of the family. I spread the word about the couple’s registry, served as a contact for some of the vendors, and helped plan the wedding shower. The mother of the groom doesn’t have to sit by wayside. However, a bit of restraint can go a long way. As my son and I danced under the moonlight on the day of his wedding, it dawned on me that the wedding was perfect. The ceremony is truly about two individuals pledging to love and care for one another for the rest of their lives. The details don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. As mother of the groom I had a special place in my son and daughter-in-law’s day and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

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